Becoming a Better Listener: Advice from Glendora, California Licensed Marriage and Couples Counselor, Ilissa Banhaxl, MFT
Listening is one of those things we all think we’re good at—until we realize just how much we’ve missed in our conversations. As a marriage and couples counselor here in Glendora, California, I’ve seen how much of a difference truly listening can make in relationships. It’s not just about hearing the words your partner is saying; it’s about understanding the emotions and needs behind those words. So, how can you become a better listener and improve your relationship? Let’s talk about it.
Be Present in the Moment
We live in a world full of distractions. Whether it’s the ping of your phone, the stress of your day, or even your own thoughts, these can all pull you away from the conversation at hand. To be a good listener, you need to be fully present. That means putting down your phone, making eye contact, and genuinely focusing on what your partner is saying. When you practice active listening and show that you’re engaged, it builds trust and shows your partner that they matter to you.
Listen Without Interrupting
It’s tempting to jump in with your thoughts, especially if you feel strongly about what’s being discussed. But interrupting can make your partner feel unheard and undervalued. Instead, practice patience. Let them finish their thoughts before you respond. This gives you time to fully absorb what they’re saying and ensures that your response is thoughtful rather than reactive.
Quick Tip: Say Goodbye to Mind Reading…
Before you assume you know what your partner is thinking when something they do bothers you, Try Being Curious. Check in and ask. “I was thinking this and I might be wrong, but I’m curious…Are you…?”
Most times partners are thinking different things about an exchange. That’s because each one of us brings our personal reaction to things because of our unique life experiences.
Don’t get mad, get curious and create safety and intimacy. It feels really good!
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Sometimes, it’s not enough to just listen. You need to dig a little deeper to fully understand your partner’s perspective. Open-ended questions like “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you think we can do about this?” encourage your partner to share more and help you get to the heart of the matter. It’s a way of showing that you’re not just hearing the words, but you’re also interested in understanding the emotions and thoughts behind them.
Reflect and Validate
One of the most powerful tools in listening is reflection. This means repeating back what you’ve heard in your own words to make sure you’ve understood correctly. For example, you might say, “So what I’m hearing is that you felt overwhelmed when I didn’t help with the chores, is that right?” This shows your partner that you’re really paying attention, and it also gives them a chance to clarify if needed. Validation goes hand-in-hand with reflection.
Even if you don’t agree with what your partner is saying, you can still validate their feelings by acknowledging that they’re real and important.
Practice Empathy
Empathy is about putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and trying to understand things from their perspective. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say, but it does mean recognizing their feelings as valid. For example, if your partner is upset because you were late to dinner, instead of getting defensive, try to understand why it upset them. Maybe they felt unimportant or worried. Acknowledging their feelings in this way can go a long way in strengthening your connection.
Take Responsibility When Needed
Sometimes, being a good listener means recognizing when you’ve made a mistake. If your partner expresses hurt or disappointment, and you realize you played a part in that, take responsibility. Apologize sincerely and discuss how you can do better in the future. This kind of accountability not only shows maturity but also reinforces trust in the relationship.
Give Yourself Compassion
Finally, remember that becoming a better listener is a journey, not a destination. There will be times when you fall short, and that’s okay. What matters is that you’re making the effort and learning along the way. Give yourself compassion, and keep working at it. Your relationship will be stronger for it.
Seek Professional Help: If communication continues to be a struggle, seeking help from a licensed couples therapist can be beneficial. For couples in Glendora, California, I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in helping couples improve their communication. I offer virtual couples therapy sessions to couples throughout the state of California, which can be especially convenient for those with busy schedules or who prefer the comfort of their own home.
Listening is more than just a skill; it’s a gift you give to your partner and your relationship. By being present, patient, and empathetic, you create a space where both of you can be heard, understood, and loved. And that’s what makes all the difference.
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