Relationships and Grieving: Advice from Glendora, California Licensed Marriage & Couples Counselor Ilissa Banhazl, MFT
There are all kinds of losses in life. The most obvious would be the death of a loved one, a spouse, a parent, a child, a pet or a good friend. Other losses might include the end of a relationship whether dating or married or losing your job. Dealing with an illness is considered a loss. There are no rules about loss. You don’t have to fit into any one of these categories. Loss is a personal experience. Whether you are personally dealing with loss or you are supporting a spouse or partner who is grieving a major loss such as the loss of a parent, this is one of the most challenging experiences a couple can face.
As a licensed marriage and couples therapist here in Glendora, California, I’ve seen how deeply this kind of loss can affect a relationship. Here are some tips to help you navigate this difficult time and be there for your spouse, and for yourself, in a way that truly supports you both.
1. Be Present, Not Perfect
It’s natural to want to fix things when someone we love is hurting, but grief isn’t something that can be “fixed.” Instead, focus on just being present. Let your spouse know you’re there, even if you don’t have the right words. Sometimes, just sitting quietly together can be more comforting than anything you might say. If you are the one facing the loss, let your partner know what you need, whether it’s a hug, time to yourself, or a shoulder to cry on.
2. Listen Without Judgment
Grief can bring out a range of emotions—anger, sadness, confusion, even relief. You or your spouse might need to vent or express feelings that seem contradictory. Give yourself space and give them the space to do that without feeling guilty or offering advice or trying to change how they feel. Just listen with an open heart, to your own thoughts and feelings and to theirs.
3. Be Patient with the Process
Everyone grieves differently, and there’s no set timeline for when someone should “get over” a loss. You or your spouse might have good days and bad days, and that’s okay. Be patient and avoid putting pressure on yourself or them to move on. Grief is a process, and it’s important to let yourself grieve at your own pace and to let them go through it at their own pace.
4. Offer Practical Help
Grief can make it hard to focus on everyday tasks. Offering practical help, or asking for it—like cooking meals, handling household chores, or even just running errands—can take a load off both you and your spouse’s shoulders. Sometimes, these small acts of service can be the most meaningful way to feel connected and to show your support.
5. Be Open and Talk About Your Loss or Encourage Them to Talk About Their Loss
Sharing memories of a parent can be a healing experience for both you and your spouse. Allow yourself to talk about your loved one and share stories. Encourage them to talk about the good times and express what their loved one meant to them. This can help keep their lost loved one’s memory alive and allow you or your spouse to process your loss in a meaningful way.
6. Take Care of Yourself, Too
Supporting a grieving spouse can be emotionally draining, so it’s important to take care of yourself as well. Make sure you have your own support system in place—whether that’s friends, family, or a therapist—so you can be there for your spouse without burning out.
7. Seek Professional Help If Needed
If you are struggling with a loss or you notice that your spouse is struggling to cope with their grief, or if it’s affecting your relationship in a significant way, it might be time to seek professional help. Grief counseling with a licensed couples therapist can provide additional support and help you both navigate your emotions in a healthy way.
ARE YOU OR YOUR PARTNER DEALING WITH A LOSS? TRY COUPLES THERAPY!
No matter what your loss; grief counseling is a way for you both to grieve in a healthy and complete way which allows you to move on with your life.
In therapy you can talk about your loss and how it makes you feel. With convenient, virtual telehealth sessions for California couples, we will deal with sadness, anger, denial and finally acceptance. But, we will do it together. I am trained to help you process and deal with loss. It’s nice to have someone to talk to help navigate your emotions. To make an appointment, please call 626-624-5924.
Remember, grief is a journey, and there’s no right or wrong way to go through it. By being patient, compassionate, and present, you can take care of your own mental health as well as be there for your spouse through this difficult time and strengthen your relationship in the process.
